Old Movie Reviews!!

These are old! But chances are, and I pray, you haven't seen these movies, and here's why!!


So.... from most recent

Drive-Thru
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0466766/

Oh man..... terrible.... So here's the deal, killer clowns work only on occasion.... there are people out there who swear up and down that Pennywise from IT is still the most freaky looking thing ever.... I'd agree with them. However, it's the look, not the story-line that makes clowns in horror films so terrifying. To back up this theory, simply look at Killer Klowns from Outer Space http://www.dvdactive.com/images/editorial/screenshot/2005/11/alien_kkfos.jpg

some freaky lookin clowns given the right atmosphere..... anyway

Drive-Thru takes place in a small town, mostly in the high school, the main girls house and the drive thru fast food place... Now.... according to modern horror films.... a girl always survives.... this is important to remember, as I won't mention it later, and just assume that you all know that the main character is almost always a girl, who survives.

Ok...So, a killer clown is killing a young "Mac"'s friends.... The movie is terrible. It's predictable, it tries to be scary, but the mix of loud death metal and a slightly unbelieveable evil villan.... here's the deal, his mouth, the clown? is a drive thru voice box...... the movie looks fine, and there are actually some very nice special effects.... but.... well a perfect example is the boy and girl doing it inside of the haunted house ride, and guess what, they die....

Spoliers a-plenty..... turns out that the parents of the children when they were in college accidentally killed the son of the owner of the fast food place, he came back for revenge....

Did I neglect to mention the name of the fast food place? HellaBurger???

Um........ wow bad.....



Next was....Behind The Mask

http://poll.imdb.com/title/tt0437857/



now this movie made me really happy..... it starts as a documentary of a sort of real-life horror movie killer....

in the first few scenes, they show pictures from the favorite places.... elm street.... camp crystal lake and whereever the fuck halloween took place

they then show Kane Hodder... who played Jason in about half of the Fri 13th movies... I suppose this movie was only really good to horror film buffs, the story line follows Leslie Vernon... who is working on being the next Jason basically... the crew learns the "tricks of the trade" bulletproof vests lots of cardio walking... planning the deaths.... it's basically a documentary on how a good slasher is made... the production was very nice, and there was even a special apperance of Robert Englund.... he played Freddy..... in Behind The Mask, Robert plays the main hero, who ends up dying.... this is a movie to see if you have ever seen a horror film from the 80's, there are tons of inside jokes and that dark sense of humor that horror film fans have.... I liked it

.... I've already forgotten the other movies I watched..... right now I am watching The Breed http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455362/

it's a bunch of talking....

oh yeah...5 Girls is next

Ron Pearlman..... know him? Hellboy.... Blade 2..... big guy.... huge jaw....
anyway...... this movie takes place in a catholic school, there are juvi girls that are sent to this place as a punishment in an attempt to reform them....

the movie takes two twists that will never make sense to me..... in one scene, Ron is reading the bible in braille (?) and it's never mentioned again for the rest of the movie..... the second part is that the girls all have super powers.... wait... what? One girl can walk through small objects.... one has telepathy, one has a knife or something.... long and short of the movie..... a former student, and her sister who was killed by evil forces are now running the school, the dead sister is resurrected, as an evil ghost, using the bodies of the 5 girls...... uh.... boring....... in the end, the girls all die, except one.... the main girl blah blah

the movie sucked, and it was obvious that it was a small production movie, that Ron pearlman happened to get dragged into, a terrible thing really.....

So.... next... was..... that movie about the children in the kids hospital.....calista flockfart was in it........ ummmm.... I seriously don't rememeber.....

it was some one name title.... anyway...

Calista starts as a nurse at a childrens hospital that is haunted by a ghost.... the ghost is a nurse who used to work there who loved the children, especially one... and she can't let them go.... the movie was completely forgettable.... stereotypical and very Ring like.... modern thriller with horror elements that came together to make a movie that I basically had to force myself to watch, it was boring and bad and if anyone remembers the name, don't watch it....

White Noise 2.... umm.... remember Firefly? No..... no one does..... the main guy was in this one.... Now here's the thing, the original white noise I was ok with since it had batman in it....

This one sucks.... starts off, and BAM, a guy shoots the main guys wife and son, then himself.... so the main guy..... he tries to kill himself and ends up having a near death experience, this allows him to see when people are going to die.... turns out it's a curse, and if you can see when they are going to die, there is nothing you can do about it.... ummm...... in the end, everyone dies.....

it was terrible as well..........

hm.....

I think that's it.... ooh, the new Hannibal was brilliant.... the new Hostel sucks.... the new Hills Have Eyes sucked.....

I really hope no one reads this, hell, I was bored writing it...

so, I'm watching "The Breed" ...."The Mad" ..... "Turistas".....Night Watch"... "Day Watch"..... "The Tomb"....."The Thirst"... "Hell Night"..... "Rinne"....."Death Note 1 and 2".....and I think I might have found a good version of 28 Weeks Later.....